Fat shaming, Chloe Ting and writer's block

(Reader discretion advised: Lots of attempts at self-deprecating humour which didn't turn out as planned.They definitely sounded better in my head. If that triggers you, feel free to skip this one. I realize how crass it is in hindsight so feel free to point out things that may have come off as offensive so that I can correct them.)

Ten minutes through the Chloe Ting Workout challenge at 2 AM last night, I decided that this was it. My weak-butt needed to woman up and start protesting about fat-shaming and body-shaming, y'all. 

What does that woman eat, to begin with, because she ain't breaking a drop of sweat while I'm drowning every microorganism on my body with salty rivers, just flowing through and destroying their microcosmos in the middle of the night. No wonder their morning news at ten probably reported unexpected flooding as microbes wake up to their newly un-droughted lands. 


This probably prompts a couple of very interesting questions. 


One, why would anyone in their right mind be working out at 2 AM in the morning. 


Two, why would anyone, who has never ever worked out in their short lived life of two decades, decide to try a high intensity workout at an ungodly hour. 


Three, how unfit is the said person because damn, she should've been eliminated by natural selection at this point. 


Four, if said person is just making excuses about fat shaming to get away with being a lazy butt? 


To answer the fourth question, because the other three are obviously inexplicable, I'd like to say maybe. 


Maybe I did start advocating against fat-shaming to get out of workouts and exercise and a general healthy way of living. And I'd like to elaborate using the following points. 


One, because self preservation

Yes, I’m saying it out loud. I'm unfit. Ten minutes into the weight-loss workout, my heavy breathing was echoing through the whole house like the labored breathing of a lady trying to push out three fetuses. My head was throbbing with blood at full intensity and the pulsing had me convinced that I was going to in fact pop a vein and die. My arms and legs were quaking and I was in the danger of dying from face-planting onto the solid floor.


Trust me, I've never seen my life flash before my eyes until I was trying to do the "lateral plank walk" and that is when I knew in my very soul that I had to fight back before I accidentally KO'ed myself off the face of the planet. 


Two, this brings us to why I was actually trying the Chloe Ting workout instead of something for beginners. 

Because hey, it looked so easy when she was doing it. She didn't break a sweat, took five seconds to breathe and just kept going. And my brain cells, the ones that survived watching the American presidential debate for fun, decided that well, if she can do it. So can I. 

Because I'm a strong (questionable), independent (not really) young woman. But girl, was I wrong and I blame it on the marketing. It was so brilliant that I was CONVINCED. I'm just glad I didn't break my incisors mid workout. 


Three, why I was working out in the first place instead of getting some proper REM sleep is not much of a mystery. 

It's my obvious internalized fat-phobia from all the years of being bullied and judged and fat-shamed, things one often has to go through as a part of being human. 


One thirty in the morning is when I start deluding myself with one of these two things. Either believing that I'm unbelievably the hottest organism alive, only a very close second to the likes of Jennifer Lopez and Michelle Obama (if you don't think she's hot, you've clearly not had an intellectual crush). 


Or that I'm so morbidly obese that if I stood in the middle of a road, people would mistake me for a baby elephant and call for Animal Rescue services. (Okay, we're not fat shaming baby elephants. They're gorgeous creatures.) 


To be fair, I'm not overweight anymore as a medical professional has testified, unlike what most of my comrades tend to believe. But whenever I remind myself of that fact, my brain always adds a statutory "yet" right after and that becomes the source of my nightmares where I kill people accidentally by rolling over them because of an impromptu transformation into a blood hungry bulldozer. Halloween hype really got my creative juices flowing, people. (Yes, I found a cute picture of myself online.)


"Hey you need a road-roller to smooth out your driveway? Just call the nerd from fifth floor. She'll do it for you for free. Not a bump will be out of place."


This. All these thoughts aren't things that I created for myself out of nowhere. In fact as Rudolph Virchow said omnis cellula e cellula. All cells come from pre-existing cells and I'd like to believe that all thoughts come from pre-existing thoughts. Thoughts that were passed down to me in the likeness of a legacy. Only difference being that they’re more toxic and emotionally scarring when compared to being left with a pair of dentures or a severed head cast in solid gold.


Maybe no one had to call me an elephant or a bulldozer for me to start worrying about my weight. It started with something as simple as being called chubby at the age of ten and realizing that, I did in fact not look like the rest of my friends who had skinny knees and bony wrists. And that maybe the reason I wasn't well liked and not included was because of my appearance. 

I knew that the pixie cut my mother forced upon me didn't help. Getting bullied by being excluded from games that the neighborhood kids played is the cruelest thing that can happen to a ten year old, y'all. It scars you worse than all the physical bullying you could possibly imagine. 


It started with something as uncomplicated as being asked to watch what I was eating by family members, for me to start scrutinizing my body and comparing it to my not-familiar bodied cousins. 


It was when I was told that I couldn't wear shorts because of my thighs that I started watching them expand each time I sat down.

 

It was when I was told that I was cute but I couldn't be hot because I was 'chubby'. And that being short made even a kilo look like ten. That I may be stopped liking food like I used to before. 


It was also when I asked my friends for an opinion about whether I would look good with bangs, like every person who has hair inevitably does at some point in their life, that one of them said no. A negative on the grounds that it wouldn't look good unless I put on some heels and lost weight. Which honestly made no sense to me because what has my body structure got to do with me pulling off feather fringes or a bald head. 


To be honest there are so many issues to unpack there but that's for another time and another rant essay. (note: Don't piss off your writer friends by making comments about their bodies, people. There's a high chance that you'll end up on the internet or a book.


Why does the size of my body determine if you find me beautiful? 


Well, I've met at least a handful of people who have told me that they would never date a fat girl, so it should probably not surprise me anymore. And also a couple who have said that they'd date slightly overweight girls as a favor, because then they'd never have to worry about being cheated on. Like hey, I know humans can be terrible but putting on a few kilos doesn't really fill in for anyone's lack of personality or build a better character. 


I know there are girls out there in search of their washboard abs and v-cut dream man/lady, whose muscular shoulders will offer them a place to cry on. Yeah, rock hard muscles provide so much more comfort than normal muscles. And the size of their calves will signify how loyal they are to you and how much they adore you. I'm just saying that it could be a possibility considering how many people desire it. 


I get it. Being fat by choice and causing yourself health problems and trying to lead a short life is not an ideal lifestyle. But how does making comments about other people's bodies and offering unsolicited advice about their shapes and sizes lead you to the path of a zen lifestyle. 


Stop using other people's self esteem as a stepping stone to your path of feeling better about yourself. 


"I know, I sound awful but I'm just trying to be helpful." Doesn't cut it no more, girl. If you know it's gonna sound awful, swallow it right back down your entitled throat.


Because your unsolicited advice. Your helpful comments. Your offers to help work out. Your help and kindness as you believe it to be are probably not required. 


Putting on a few pounds or a few hundred pounds doesn't make anyone dumb. The cat in fact did not get our tongue not because we couldn't chase it down, but because we rolled over it with all our body weight and squashed it into a cat mat to get it back. 


If we need help, we'll ask. Or if we shy, you better trust us on knowing how to google ‘Chloe Ting workout for losing weight’ on the internet. 


In conclusion, stop judging people for their bodies, people. You’ve got helpful advice about how I’m cruel to animals because I killed two mosquitoes yesterday? I’m all ears so tell me about it. But when I ask you if I’d look great in a hat and you tell me that I need toned abdominal muscles and a romper to pull it off, have faith that you’re going to turn up in my next anecdote about fat-shaming.


But yes, you better believe that I'm going to be doing the same exact thing at 2 AM tomorrow- a badly executed 'lateral plank walk' and fighting to breathe. Maybe it's just because I can't stop myself from despising my body unless it mirrors the social-media photoshopped ideals. Or maybe because my life flashing past my eyes finally helped me break through my writer's block. 


God bless Chloe Ting for inspiring me to write.


A/N: If you're thinking that I'm being salty and lazy, then you're absolutely right. But I haven't written in a long time so I'm rather proud of myself for speed writing 1700 words at three AM with a lot of passion. Yes, I like turning my childhood trauma into writing material because what else am I supposed to do? Go out and get a life?




copyright©️2020 Mnemoyne
Photo by Rachel Claire from Pexels

Comments

  1. "Too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short." STOP BODY SHAMING.
    Beautifully written ��

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with you, body shaming has got to stop. Thank you reading!! <3

      Delete
  2. That was... Beautiful 🥰🥺

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was... Beautiful 🥰🥺

    ReplyDelete

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